For those who stay in hotels regularly, this conversation should sound familiar.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest (HG): Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I feel really bad about this but I don't know what "judo one
toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English
muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all. 
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, an copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.

 

*************************************************************************************

 

 

 What to Do With Hotel Soap?

 

 

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a
London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!

 

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Dear Maid,

 

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

 

Thank you,
S. Berman

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,

 

     I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on  top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This  leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

 

Kathy, Relief Maid

 

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

 

     Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found  you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove  them.

 

S. Berman

 

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

 

     My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I  put  the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove  the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine  cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked  in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

 

Your regular maid,
 Dotty

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

 

     The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.

 

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,

 

     It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bathroom shelf. In  just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing  this to me?

 

S. Berman

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

 

     Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, case call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,

 

Elaine Carmen,
 Housekeeper

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

 

     My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

 

S. Berman

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

 

     I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids  are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

 

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

     Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have  54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me  back my bath-size Dial.

 

S. Berman

 

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,

 

     You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them moved.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I  personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about  the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had  returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I  don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

 

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

 

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

     Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

 

     - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

 

     - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 3.

 

     - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

 

     - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

 

     - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

 

     - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

 

     - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

 

     - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

 

     Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks
of more  than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is  not in  use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One  more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am  keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.