|LAWYER AND CHARITY
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's
most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit
in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny
to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring
an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I
had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you.
| ACTUAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS RECORDED FROM CANADIAN COURTS
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
|LETTER TO AUTHORITIES EXPLAINING TITLE ON
LAND IN LOUISIANA
Subject: A good perspective on red-tape....
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He
was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title
to a parcel
of property being offered as collateral. The title to the
dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
reply (actual letter):
Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and
application, we must point out that you have only cleared
title to the
proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated
this country, particularly those working in the property area,
know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the edification
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to
ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it
by Right of
Conquest from Spain.
The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery
made in the
year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious
careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the
securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund the
Columbus expedition. Now the Pope, as I am sure you know,
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly
accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe
presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you
original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?
They got it.
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
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