The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Subject: A good perspective on red-tape....

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel
of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property
dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following

reply (actual letter):
Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in
this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not
know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.
ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of
Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the
year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the
Columbus expedition. Now the Pope, as I am sure you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly
accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He,
therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His
original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?

They got it.

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.